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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 17, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] >> john: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> are you excited about the baby. >> not terribly. why not? ell, you know, everybody has babies.
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>> stephen: tonight, racial tensions rise. i'll tell you the hot new ethnicity to blame. then, have americans lost their attention span? and have americans lost their attention span? and my guest david karp is the founder and ceo of tumblr which i believe is a social net york for dryers. j.k. rowling announced she secretly wrote a crime novel under the name robert galbraith. what a coincidence i wrote a series of wizard books under the name j.k. rowling. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ladies and gentlemen, based on what i just heard, i certainly hope none of you ever stop making your music. you can sing. you can sing. folks, if you watch this show, you know that i am a proud american. every day i thank god that this country threw off the yolk of british tyranny. we bow to no king. let the patriot bloodshed on the fields of lexington and concorde never be forgotten.
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[ cheers and applause ] and so our top story tonight: royal baby bump. oh, my god! oh, my god! look, she is so radiant. jim? >> could today be the day that the third direct heir to the british throne makes his or her debut? >> it's week 3 and the world is literally waiting on edge for kate to go into labor. >> the great kate wait. continues. >> will it be a girl or a boy? london is sweltering in a heat wave but that hasn't put off the world's media or the tourists. >> here at the hospital it's nothing short of a baby stakeout. >> the u.k. is abuzz with excitement. look, the u.s. is abuzz with excitement. the whole world is abuzz with excitement. >> stephen: the whole world is abuzz. the whole galaxy is is abecause. kate the great is three days late. i just can't wait for her to dilate.
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[ cheers and applause ] i mean when and when? i mean, when will the heir to the crown begin to crown? i mean, wait, wait, what am i thinking? the brits use metric so nine months there might be ten kilo weeks over here. when will that baby get here? what will pippa wear? will the obstetrician wear a giant hat? who will have less hair, the baby or prince william? i'm so excited. breathe, stephen. just breathe. [ cheers and applause ] i just got to... pick a spot on the wall and focus. i need ice chips. what am i going to do? i mean i cannot get enough. i have got to have the latest scoops. i mean, "u.s. weekly" has a special reports in an exclusive
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that paddington bear will be in the room says a source. yes, padding ton. what about the other beloved british children's character he like winnie-the-pooh or sid vicious? i need to know. oh, god, and the pageantry. you know the hospital will have the finest horse-drawn gurney, and i can't wait to see the changing of the guards in front of the royal birth canal and the epidural administers by dumbledore while elton john on piano plays "placenta in the wind." the question is, will it be a girl or a boy or maybe something magical like a unicorn or a hobbit? what has it got in its uterus, precious? we'll have more on this story as the water breaks. folks, you know, they say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth, but i say you should never register for a
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horse in the first place. where are you going to keep that thing? you're newlyweds. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [ cheers and applause ] first up, you're very kind. first up, by now you all know george zimmerman has been acquitted in a high-profile case steeped in racial tedges, we in the cable-fear knew that if zimmerman walked our cities would burn. >> florida preparing for riots if george zimmerman is acquitted of murder. >> there may be riots. florida police are preparing for riots. >> i think we're being foolish and frankly naive to think that there may not be riots. >> yes, to think there may not be riots is foolish and naive and worst of all, accurate. >> things have remained calm and peaceful here in sanford florida. >> crowds gathered in newark for a peaceful protest. >> the protests across were
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peaceful loud but peace tele. >> a group of young demonstrators had any mogul moment as they sang quietly on the steps of the capitol building in tallahassee. >> stephen: sang quietly. excuse me. i ordered a riot. all i get is a folk festival. stop singing "if i had a hammer" and start swinging one of them around. so a wag of my finger at nonrioting black people. [ cheers and applause ] listen, listen. yeah, we're all angry. you cannot set the bar at rodney king and then give me this weak [bleep]. yes, maybe in los angeles they scared in drivers and in oakland protestors vandalized a men's warehouse store. but obviously that wasn't even about the acquittal of george zimmerman. they were mad about the recent firing of men's warehouse founder george zimmer.
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because unlike george zimmerman, he does like the way you look. so that's it. [ cheers and applause ] that's all i get. that's it? i just get the broken glass and an overturned rack of separates. have we forgotten rodney king? i mean that was a riot. where are the buildings on fire? you're just not holding up your end of what we said you would do. george zimmerman was acquitted because a jury understood why he felt threatened by an unarmed black youth. and why wouldn't he feel that way? they riot. but if you don't riot, you seem less threatening. then zimmerman will seem like a bad guy. and that would be a tragic ending to this story. because as it is, he's going to have to live his life as a marked man as his brother robert
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said. >> clearly he's a free man in the eyes of the court but he's going to be looking around his shoulder for the rest of his life. >> stephen: yes, he'll be looking around his shoulder. can you imagine feeling like you're being followed. everyone just assuming you're a criminal. i mean, if i were him, i would wear something to hide my face. next on the t-dubs, a tip of the hat to fox news for bringing in some fresh blood and not just for rupert murdoch's wine cellar. jim? >> elizabeth hasselbeck will be joining us very shortly in september to be one of the hosts of fox and friends. she'll be coming on over to the curvy couch. >> stephen: elizabeth hasselbeck from the view will be replacing gretchen carlson on fox and friends or as the brown-haired guy who is not steve doocy puts it, "are you my new woman?"
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the gretch who saved christmas is abandoning her couch buddies to take over megyn kelly's spot in the arch which disappoints me because i believed that they were fox and friends but i guess for gretchen, it was just fox and business. meanwhile megyn kelly's moving to prime time rumor has it taking greta van susterant's time slot. i'm being told we have footage of the fox news rescheduling in progress. so, bravo. bravo, fox news for boldly changing the face of news. not the the hair. just the face. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know, folks, i am a family person who has a big show like this. it's no secret that i lead a kind of busy life so i do a lot of multitasking. for instance, right now i am both doing this show and watching it on up on these monitors up here. although i've got to say right now i'm doing a little bit more watching. i can't wait to see what i'm going to say next. not much going on right now. anyway, we'll get back to this later. somebody tivo this, okay. unfortunately for multitaskers like me, i heard some very disturbing news recently on the n.p.r. actually like everybody else i was half listening and half cutting up vegetables for soup. here's n.p.r. as ira flatow one of my top two public radio iras.
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>> multitasking may be affecting our ability to concentrate, manage our emotions, maybe think creatively. >> the research is almost unanimous. people who multitask show any nornlg us range of deficits. they're basically terrible at all sorts of cognitive tasks including multitasking. >> stephen: multitaskers are terrible at all sorts of cognitive tasks but in their defense they're terrible at them at the same time. but fine, i'll bite. what are these multitasks they multi-suck at? >> we have scales that allow us to divide up people. the differences are remarkable. people who multitask all the time can't filter out irrelevancy. they can't manage a working memory. they're chronically distracted.
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>> stephen: oh, sorry. this crooked frame was driving me nuts. anywhere, where was i? right, right, right, the show. now anyway, n.p.r. was telling me that multitasking is a myth which is ironic because n.p.r. is great at it. they simultaneouslien rage me and waste my tax dollars. well, clearly these researchers spoke to the wrong multitaskers because some of us know how to do it and some don't. it's a simple matter of focus here. i'll show you. first of all, i'm just going to do a little online shopping, also confirm my tee time this week end with my buddy chad while simultaneously making myself a delicious toast snack. there that goes in there. set that to golden brown. and there we go. okay. i like those blacks in nan...
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slacks in nantucket red. take those in men's petite. slim cut. boot leg. stretch waste. ample seat. there you go. okay. all right. now. chad, 11:00 works better for me and send. okay. the question is am i going to have apricot jam or strawberry? you know what? i think i'll multi-snack and have both. choald on one second. chino is golfing with us. who's chino? mexicans don't golf. i don't understand. okay. let's see. why does chad want my credit card information? that doesn't make... hey, the toast is ready. smells amazing! mmmmm. wait. hold on one second. i feel so terrible for people who have to give up the gluten. credit card denied? i better just call them.
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siri, call j-crew. j-crew, j-crew! these things really do suck as phones. anyway damn, i burned it. (doorbell) come in. >> you ordered delivery. stephen: oh, my pants are here already. thanks, chino. >> i'm phil. stephen: i'm just a little frazzled. here's your tip. that reminds me, i better get back to chad. there we go. all right. let's see. chad, see you on the green send. see? multitasking is no big deal. now if you'll excuse me, i've got to go pick up my car from the vet and my cat from the shop. poor guy had his muffler removed. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a high school dropout who sold his internet start-up for $1.1 billion. just imagine how much he could have made if he dropped out of grade school. please welcome david karp. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: you are founder and ceo of tumblr. >> tumblr. stephen: you became successful with this, what did you call it? >> i still have a ways to go. stephen: you don't think you're successful. >> not yet. i have lots to prove. we have to get things to profitability. that's a pretty big milestone. >> stephen: not your problem anymore. you just sold it to yahoo. >> that's very important to me. stephen: why did you found tumblr to begin with. >> i was an aspiring creator glowing up. there was a set of tools that was missing, something that i wanted to express myself out there in the world. i don't have a tv show. >> stephen: you don't have a tv show. am i with my tv show, am i kind of tumbling right now? i'm on tumblr. >> all right. i don't follow you yet. what's your address on tumblr.
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>> stephen: i won't tell you. find me. catch me if you can. how many people are on the tumblr now. >> what do i do on there? it's private. >> stephen: how many people are on the tumblr. >> about 120 million blogs on tumblr and a few hundred million people that read those blogs. >> stephen: unlike bill gates or steve jobs you did not drop out of college but you dropped out of high school. >> i dropped out the summer i turned 15 going into my sophomore year. >> stephen: why? you seem like a smart enough kid. >> this was 12 or 13 years ago. i was going to high school in new york. i knew i wanted to work with computers and write software. i was pretty sure i wanted to do stuff on the internet. rewind 12, 13 years. there wasn't a whole lot of computer science education in schools, in high schools in new york city at the time.
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i tell young people ought time who ask me what should they be doing, they're bored in school. you can get a great computer science education in grade school today. go for it. take advantage of it. it wasn't an opportunity i had when i was in school. >> stephen: do you want young kids to stay in school. >> absolutely. stephen: because you're pulling the ladder up behind you. yahoo is not the hippest outfit. did they buy you to buy your cool? >> no, look. i think... i hope not. i think yahoo is... i know yahoo is looking for a path forward. they're looking at the future of their business and building stuff that is relevant to many hundreds of millions of people years from now. they saw tumblr as a big part of that. >> stephen: but tumblr is cool. i would like to believe we're authentic. we're doing something that is important to us and we're serving a community. >> stephen: why won't you use
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the word cool and you don't know what cool is? i'm serious. it's a testing ground. you never had to deal with cafeteria tables. you might be a cool kid. you might be a burnout. you might be a heather or a mean girl. do you have any what that is like? >> no. stephen: let's talk about the elephant in the room with tumblr, okay? let me paint a picture of the he will fapt. it's on its back and its stretched are stretched. okay. >> is that what you're doing on there? >> stephen: it's porn central. there's a ton of porn on there. >> there's a lot of everything. stephen: there's a lot of everything on there. there's a lot. is that going to stay on there?
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>> look, we've taken a pretty hard line on freedom of speech, supporting our users, creation, whatever that looks like. just not something we want to police. when you have something like terry richardson or any number of very talented photographers posting tasteful photography, i don't want to have to go in there to draw the line between this photo and this behind-the-scenes photo lady gag and her nips. >> stephen: i think we're going to have to bleep that. i'm just not sure. okay. all right. you're a big-time player. you're a big-time player in the internet now. n.s.a. comes to you, the national security agency comes to you and says, hey, give me all the information on your people. we think one of those guys posting nip-slips with lady gaga is planning some bad stuff so we
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have to have all the information on everyone on your side. what do you say? >> that's a complicated question, stephen. you're putting me on the spot. >> stephen: yes or no. i'm the n.s.a. hey, you, we will turn you into quellcalm. we're going to mind-space your ass unless you give us the information. >> we don't want to give you anything that's not in the best interest of our users. we fought for that for six years. >> stephen: just tell us what stephen colbert posted on his site. >> i don't know how to find you. stephen: and you never will. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] founder and ceo of tumblr, david
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